Hello Thangians,
Well here we are on our fourth post and I have to say, it’s already been an emotional experience. I am so touched by all the fan mail that’s currently unread in my hotmail inbox. This, added to the many compliments I receive on a daily basis, makes this all worthwhile. I want to continue the theme of empowerment with a further teaching (aren’t I just the best lecturer erm ... ever?). The most common question I am asked by you all is: how can I be just like you? Now you know I would never patronise any of you – go buy a `Woman’s Own’ if you’re seeking to be brainwashed and deluded – so I’m going to lay down the cold hard truth: it takes work sista! The journey from dreary deadbeat to fierce, fabulous fox is a rocky one: you can’t expect it to happen overnight. That is why I have decided to do my part for humanity by suggesting some beginner’s steps which you should be working towards:
1) `There’s no better daddy than a sugar!’ – we all know designer clobber doesn’t come cheap. You need a great deal of disposable income to not be caught wearing last season’s polar neck (a crime punishable by stoning). Luckily, given our increasingly ageing population, step 1 is the least demanding requisite for fabulousness. Old men are literally everywhere and like any good predator, you should be preying on the weakest. The easiest ones to take advantage of are the wheelchair bound so target them first. I would also suggest doing your research: review his life insurance policy, check if he is on speaking terms with any offspring, rummage through the attic for any valuables and find out his credit limit.
2) `Bad breathe - bad luck!’ – if the aroma coming from your mouth suggests something may well have died in it, brush harder! You can never attend any social occasion without a deposit of tic-tacs tucked away in your manbag/purse. People with bad breathe tend to go on to lead unsuccessful lives, dying alone in their bedrooms with the curtains drawn with Abba playing in the background. There is another way!
3) `Stir that shit like it’s got lumps in it’ – if you want to reach the top, you can’t get there without taking some bitches out in the process. Remember it’s all about you, meaning the feelings and mental well being of others is completely irrelevant. Spread gossip whenever and wherever you can. If you can’t dig up any dirt, make stuff up – people are generally stupid and will believe anything. If you can try and make your accusations more water tight than do it. For example, if you spread a rumour that Susan sitting opposite you at work is an alcoholic, put a half empty bottle of vodka in her desk drawer and inform management. I can almost guarantee Susan will get the chop and you’ll be promoted to her post.
4) `Fake tan is your heroine’ – fake tan not only enhances your own life but also of those around you. No man is ever going to chat up a woman reminiscent of a corpse so make sure you apply readily and generously. You will know you have applied enough when you’re confident you could get away with ticking `South Asian’ on a diversity form. Be careful purchasing a shimmer variety though, as it can lead to the result of your face appearing to have been laminated.
5) `Keep your library stocked’ – don’t know your Willow Smith from your Willie Nelson? Well you fucking well should! Nobody wants to chat to the musically uninformed. Subsequently, you should keep a pace with the latest chart music, making sure that your playlists are perpetually nurtured. More than this, I advise you to master all the latest dance routines before anyone else. When I tear up the floor on a Saturday night, performing the full `Single Ladies’ routine without putting a foot wrong, EVERYBODY wants to fuck me. Therefore, you should aim to spend at least eight hours per day studying music video choreography on YouTube.
These are just a few of my key principles to get you started. We’ll start advanced level stuff in a few weeks. May your journey begin!
LISTEN TO MS THANG'S BLOG (for the illiterate, blind and generally stupid):
(gap in between, don't say I didn't warn you!)
No comments:
Post a Comment