The Beginners Guide To Fabulous ...

Hello Thangians,

Well here we are on our fourth post and I have to say, it’s already been an emotional experience. I am so touched by all the fan mail that’s currently unread in my hotmail inbox. This, added to the many compliments I receive on a daily basis, makes this all worthwhile. I want to continue the theme of empowerment with a further teaching (aren’t I just the best lecturer erm ... ever?). The most common question I am asked by you all is: how can I be just like you? Now you know I would never patronise any of you – go buy a `Woman’s Own’ if you’re seeking to be brainwashed and deluded – so I’m going to lay down the cold hard truth: it takes work sista! The journey from dreary deadbeat to fierce, fabulous fox is a rocky one: you can’t expect it to happen overnight. That is why I have decided to do my part for humanity by suggesting some beginner’s steps which you should be working towards:

1)   `There’s no better daddy than a sugar!’ – we all know designer clobber doesn’t come cheap. You need a great deal of disposable income to not be caught wearing last season’s polar neck (a crime punishable by stoning). Luckily, given our increasingly ageing population, step 1 is the least demanding requisite for fabulousness. Old men are literally everywhere and like any good predator, you should be preying on the weakest. The easiest ones to take advantage of are the wheelchair bound so target them first. I would also suggest doing your research: review his life insurance policy, check if he is on speaking terms with any offspring, rummage through the attic for any valuables and find out his credit limit.

2)   `Bad breathe - bad luck!’ – if the aroma coming from your mouth suggests something may well have died in it, brush harder! You can never attend any social occasion without a deposit of tic-tacs tucked away in your manbag/purse. People with bad breathe tend to go on to lead unsuccessful lives, dying alone in their bedrooms with the curtains drawn with Abba playing in the background. There is another way!

3)   `Stir that shit like it’s got lumps in it’ – if you want to reach the top, you can’t get there without taking some bitches out in the process. Remember it’s all about you, meaning the feelings and mental well being of others is completely irrelevant. Spread gossip whenever and wherever you can. If you can’t dig up any dirt, make stuff up – people are generally stupid and will believe anything. If you can try and make your accusations more water tight than do it. For example, if you spread a rumour that Susan sitting opposite you at work is an alcoholic, put a half empty bottle of vodka in her desk drawer and inform management. I can almost guarantee Susan will get the chop and you’ll be promoted to her post.

4)   `Fake tan is your heroine’ – fake tan not only enhances your own life but also of those around you. No man is ever going to chat up a woman reminiscent of a corpse so make sure you apply readily and generously. You will know you have applied enough when you’re confident you could get away with ticking `South Asian’ on a diversity form. Be careful purchasing a shimmer variety though, as it can lead to the result of your face appearing to have been laminated.

5)   `Keep your library stocked’ – don’t know your Willow Smith from your Willie Nelson? Well you fucking well should! Nobody wants to chat to the musically uninformed. Subsequently, you should keep a pace with the latest chart music, making sure that your playlists are perpetually nurtured. More than this, I advise you to master all the latest dance routines before anyone else. When I tear up the floor on a Saturday night, performing the full `Single Ladies’ routine without putting a foot wrong, EVERYBODY wants to fuck me. Therefore, you should aim to spend at least eight hours per day studying music video choreography on YouTube.

These are just a few of my key principles to get you started. We’ll start advanced level stuff in a few weeks. May your journey begin!

LISTEN TO MS THANG'S BLOG (for the illiterate, blind and generally stupid):

 http://vocaroo.com/?media=vnbiCOW9hvGNtU8Wh

(gap in between, don't say I didn't warn you!)

To bleach or not to bleach (your anus, that is)

Hey babygurls,

I said from the outset that I wanted to use this blog as a means of spreading knowledge; I am a firm believer in the slogan `knowledge is power’. Given this endorsement, I write to today to inform you on why you should consider having your anus bleached. The act of bleaching one’s anus aims to lighten the colour of the anus so as to make in keeping with your general body tone. Therefore, desiring a lime green rectum is both stupid and completely pointless. Whilst there are a plethora of reasons why you should want to get this area bleached, the fundamental reasons are usually:

1)      You have lots of anal sex making maintenance a necessity. No one wants to ram an unmanned hole.

2)      You work in the adult industry

3)      Your obsessed with keeping a youthful appearance and apply this type of thinking to all areas of your body

4)      You have an UGLY anus

Whatever the factors precipitating your decision, anal bleaching is both a fun and worthwhile depletion of your bank account. As the practise begins to continually infiltrate mainstream grooming, an array of anal bleaching products have emerged which you can use in the privacy of your own bathroom (with the lights switched off if your’ that shy but bear in mind this would probably lead to ineffective treatment). For example, ShopinPrivate.com currently has an offer on rectal moist wipes, a bargain at £6.75 (disinclining posting and packaging). As a result, it really doesn’t cost an arm and a leg to have an attractive chocolate spider. Additionally, embarrassing products are selling a rather lovely cream for a more expensive but nonetheless worthwhile, £29.99 for the consumer who prefers something smooth between their cheeks.

Personally, I believe in the old age saying that if you want a job done well, pay someone else to do it for you. Anal grooming is an independent art form; a craft within a craft; a type of knowledge which only the most dedicated can master. As a consequence, I recommend giving the local beauty salon a ring and making some enquiries. As long as it isn’t too discoloured, you should be able to barter a perfectly reasonable price for treatment. If you have a rotting hole, please don’t let this put you off. In this challenging economic times, the hairy and beauty sector quite literally have to get `down and dirty’. All salon workers also undertake an oath of confidentiality before they start to colour in anything: you can be assured that your disfigurement will remain a well kept secret.

I hope this has inspired you to make a change in your life

Inspire, develop and prosper!

Ms Thang

A.k.a. Babygurl xJx  

LISTEN TO MS THANG’S BLOG (for the illiterate, blind and generally stupid)

There’s a 25 second gap because vocaroo, like nearly all of my lovers, cannot keep up with me http://vocaroo.com/?media=vKCFEZrldGK788DdP

What I really think of Lady Gaga’s `Judas’

In a word, disappointing! I feel like we’ve moved tables but are still being served stale bread. I wanted the euphoric head rush I received upon first play of Bad Romance; instead, the expression on my face after the first play of `Judas’ was ambivalent, not being able to decide if this was a quirky, masterful slice of pop or a poor rework of `Bad Romance’ lacking in neither punch or enthusiasm. The verses convey meaning only to the most fucktarded of characters; the `ra-ra-ra’ is not compelling nor engaging, simply annoying whilst the chorus is Euro pop done badly – and yes, Euro pop can be done well (the Venga Boys anyone?). Whilst there’s no denying the quality of GG’s previous efforts (that’s what she’s listed as in my phone contacts, I suggest you add it your Microsoft Word dictionary at once), I was willing her on to take risks with her new material. The only attribute of her latest offering which stands out is a slightly enhanced electro beat which hardly rocks the status quo. It’s a shame she doesn’t apply her zeal for experimenting in the wardrobe to her music. `Judas’ would have been all the better for it. Better luck impressing me next time bitch!

P.S. given the sub-standard quality of GG’s first two singles, I can confirm that I will be downloading the album from media fire.

LISTEN TO MS THANG'S BLOG (again for the blind, illiterate and generally thick):
http://vocaroo.com/?media=vpkO3guHhcjb9uyGB

Hey honeyz! It's like, totally my first post!!!

Hey my fierce disco divas!

Today I begin a new journey, as I enter the world of blogging. I know my legions of fans wanted to know more about me (you know who you are), and I have decided that a blog is the best means by which I can satisfy your ever growing craving for all that is Ms Thang. As you know, I am a strong minded, authoritarian black woman trapped in the body of a limp wristed, malnourished (too many pot noodles and too few vegetables!), Eastern European looking, bald homosexual, who has been blessed with a voice somewhere between Celine Dion and Michael Jackson. I have extensive vocal range, able to hit notes that the straight acting can only dream of. Quite frankly, I'm fucking fierce and that's all you'll ever need to know about me.

Always one to break the mould, my blog differs from the standard, crappy ones in that I will also provide an audio recording of my innovative works (love blind people!) thus you can appreciate my work in two formats. Subsequently, this blog is already ground breaking and probably already has its own Wikipedia page. My future works will continue to break new ground as I inspire, empower and innovate. After reading my blog, your life will change beyond all recognition: no longer the shy, reserved, white faced sheep sat in the corner at the party, you'll be the orange faced, high fiving, eye line wearing vixen with the pink wristbands, popping your boy pussy on the floor in a Cyndi Lauper T-shirt. My education enables you to go from a toad to a flamingo in an explosion of pink feathers! Absorb my teachings, use them in your everyday life, and recognise the self improvement.

Until next time bitches,
Babygurl xJx

LISTEN TO MS THANG'S BLOG (for the blind, illiterate and just generally thick):
http://vocaroo.com/?media=vJGslKKgMRsVzqOhf